Nothing to Lose
by Astaldotholwen
Summary: [ One Shot ] Kairi is having a lot of trouble dealing with her feelings. One day, she finds herself walking to the Secret Place. [ Warning: There is incredibly mature content within this fic regarding death ]


Title: Nothing to Lose

Written By: Astaldothôlwen

Point Of View: Kairi

Disclaimer: I do not claim to own Kingdom Hearts or any of the content you may be aware of that is connected with Sqaure-Enix. I also do not claim to own the lyrics in the fic which are "_Nothing to Lose_" by the amazing Canadian band Billy Talent.

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Need more friends with wings,

All the angels I know,

Put concrete in my veins,

You two have been gone from Destiny Islands for the longest three and a half years that I've ever had to live through. I can't explain how I feel except for one word: empty. How am I supposed to feel? My two best friends; they have left me. The guidance councillors at my school think I have a problem with depression, they don't understand. Hell, no one understands. No one remembers anything. No one. It is as though _they_ never existed. They lived their lives as long as I have here at Destiny Islands, even longer than I have; and _no one_ remembers them!

__

I'd always walk home alone,

So I became lifeless,

Just like my telephone,

Sora and Riku, they risked their lives for everyone here! And yet they don't remember a damn thing! I can't even comprehend anything that is going on, it is as though everyone's minds have been wiped of their memories of them. Walking home from school every, I can't stop my unending river of tears; I've stopped trying.

The girls at school, they stare at me with cruel looks as though I'm a bug in need of being squished. The boys, well they aren't much better, they look at me as a manic depressive that has nothing to live for.

__

There's nothing to lose,

When no one knows your name,

There's nothing to gain,

But the days don't seem to change,

I'm ignored. I live through silent torment. No one at school cares about me. The only ones who cared are the ones who are no longer here. Everyday it is the same toil, the same uphill battle. Every day I look at the one photograph I have of us in my bedroom. I see the three of us smiling in Sora's tiny fishing boat.

We were six. Sora was in the middle. Riku on one side, and I on the other. We were all holding the biggest fish any of us ever seen, and the smiles on our youthful faces proved it. Now, the picture was old and worn, like my emotions. _Emotions? I have no emotions, except misery._

__

Never played truth or dare,

I'd have to check my mirror,

To see if I'm still here,

I feel like I am air. Air which is ignored on a daily basis, taken for granted and disregarded. I was invited to a birthday party recently. One could say it was fun, however, I begged to differ. Selphie, she has changed since Kingdom Hearts. She has become popular and has lost her beautiful and intriguing pleasantness.

She became the typical popular girl who everyone wanted to be; the girl that everyone wanted to hang out with. She was no longer the Selphie who I jumped rope with as a child. She had a plan, the group of friends; and I, were to play the game _Truth and Dare._ I sat out of the game, watched from the sidelines. _'How ironic, I'm watching the game pass me by, just like life itself.'_ Bitter? You could say I am bitter yes. Since Sora and Riku left, no one is the same, even Selphie. As the game continued, I got up and left. No one paid any heed to my leaving. No one even flinched.

__

My parents had no clue,

That I ate all my lunches,

Alone in the bathroom,

As I said before, no one listens to my silent pleas. Why Selphie invited me to her party, I can only imagine. From what I have heard, they had something planned for me – something disheartening.

__

'Something cruel? Yes, because I haven't been through enough the last couple years. Whatever they had planned for me, I'm sure I could have handled it.'

At lunch time, when friends sit together; I am left alone. I eat alone, and I am alone. Loneliness and solitude are my only friends, the sound of laughing kids filter through my ears. Those voices carrying through the air are my only hints that there are people near me.

__

There's nothing to lose,

When no one knows your name,

There's nothing to gain,

But the days don't seem to change,

School is a direct parallel of my home life as well. My parents treat me as though I'm mad when I asked them initially about Sora and Riku when the Islands were restored to their former glory. They looked at me as though I grew four arms and another head. My life has done nothing but sift through my fingers like the sand on the beach. No one believes my story about Sora or Riku. Sora was my first love, the one I cherished more than anything in the world did. Riku loved me, I knew he did, but I could not reflect his feelings; you see, Sora stole my heart and my love was undying for him.

__

There's nothing to lose,

My notebook will explain,

There's nothing to gain,

And I can't fight the pain,

We promised each other after the picture of the fish was caught that we'd be together forever, all of us. We made a pact in the Secret Place that no matter what that we would be together forever, friends forever and everything that could be done, it would be done forever. We were naïve yes, but these tiny memories are comfort to my broken soul. I walked down to the Secret Place, satchel in hand with an item inside that would aid all my problems soon enough.

__

Teach us that it's just a phase,

When I grow up my children,

Will probably do the same,

__

Kids just love to tease,

I know it put me under ground,

At seventeen,

Thinking back to our earlier lives, when we were just children put a melancholy smile upon my face. As I neared the Secret Place, there was Selphie and her friends. As they passed me, I could hear the stifled giggles and the rude comments they were making to each other. The only one I heard clearly was from Selphie.

"Look at Kairi, just like school she is all alone. It's a shame that people like her will be alone forever. But I suppose _we_ can't pity her because she's a screw up."

Sighing dejectedly I continued towards my destination, not allowing the comment to hurt me anymore than her other snide comments have at school previously. Wakka and Tidus moved away long ago after a tragic boating accident with Wakka's father and I've never seen them since, I hope they haven't changed as much as Selphie. As I stepped through the tiny cabin, I could hear the waterfall which was right beside the Secret Place, pushing the door open I noticed how different the Secret Place already looked to my adult eyes.

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There's nothing to lose,

When no one knows your name,

There's nothing to gain,

But the days don't seem to change,

As I walked through the waterfall, I jumped into the quenching pool of water. Splashing around a bit, I took a deep breath and walked towards the hole in the wall where my childhood memories were etched within stone.

__

There's nothing to lose,

My notebook will explain,

There's nothing to gain,

And I can't fight the pain,

Placing my hands around the item in my satchel, I realised it was still there. _It_ was still in the tiny school bag I that I carried my books in on a daily basis. As I crouched down in a crawling position, I edged my way within the Secret Place. It was a lot more cramped and more difficult to move now that I was older, but my mind was set; I was going to do something I've been contemplating for a long time. This idea was inscribed within my mind for years. It was the years of torment and personal agony I dealt with from day to day; and frankly, I could no longer take it anymore.

__

There's nothing to lose,

When no one knows your name

There's nothing to gain

But the days don't seem to change,

Walking into the Secret Place, it was difficult to see my entire childhood illustrated with chalk in an untouched cavern. I walked towards the old door, which started our journey so many years ago. Placing my hand on the door, it was rough with age, splinters entered my fingertips as I rubbed the door. Cursing to myself, I stopped touching the door looking around at the drawings within the cave. My eyes located a picture that made my heart sink to the bottom of my stomach. It was the picture of Sora and I exchanging a paopu fruit. Bitter tears fell from my eyes. I did not attempt to stop them. My heart had made its choice.

Searching within my burgundy satchel, I found the item, which would take all my pain and sorrow away. Grasping the item in my hand, I brought the pistol to my right temple. Taking a sharp breath inwards, I pulled the trigger. My world went dark and my body quickly numbed. The last image within my mind was that of Sora and I sharing the paopu fruit, the last happy memory I had.

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There's nothing to lose,

When no one knows your name,

There's nothing to gain,

And I just died today.

****

Authors Notes:

Err, yes. Well, that was a _really_ depressing one shot. I don't know where this came from exactly, but while I was listening to the song, '_Nothing to Lose'_ it just reminded me of Kairi. I know all of the characters are very out of character, but it somewhat works. I swear, I'm not a morbid person! I'm really not! mutters Stupid Selphie; being so rude to Kairi, when she was obviously hurting so badly.

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Authors Notes II:

I made this story back in January, and just found it now (June 18, 2004). I was looking through all my files for old school notes I could delete, and found this story, needless to say I was shocked considering I completely forgot about it. Its quite a depressing story really, but the song fit's it so well, if you have the chance to ever hear it, I suppose you'd understand. The song used was '_Nothing to Lose'_ by _Billy Talent._


End file.
